


In a world without you

by katsudonpirozhki



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-03 14:05:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13342803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsudonpirozhki/pseuds/katsudonpirozhki
Summary: Victor decides to return to skating. But he doesn't.And he doesn't return to Yuuri.





	1. Lost goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MissParasol](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissParasol/gifts).



> What have I done

Yuuri’s eyes widens as he watches the details of the crash unravel on the news. Next to him, Mari has her hand over her mouth, suppressing a gasp. A plane headed for Moscow, Russia had plummeted into the sea. Investigations are ongoing but there are likely to be no survivors, the newscaster reports.

Yuuri feels the hot tears brimming at his eyes and chokes back a sob.

It’s like a nightmare that is evolving with every passing second. Yuuri wishes he could shut his eyes and pretend all these never happened. He prays that this is nothing but a dream, one that he can eventually wake up from and completely forget.

This can’t be real.

 

Victor was on that flight.

 

 

 

In the days that followed the Grand Prix Final, Victor and Yuuri had worked closely together for Japan Nationals. It had initially been a bumpy ride: Yuuri had still struggled to put out his best performance during the short programme. But thanks to Victor’s coaching and Yuuri’s perseverance, the GPF silver medallist eventually emerged as the champion, the skater deserving of being called Japan’s best.

And now that the Japan Nationals were out of the way, Victor had finally begun making plans to return to competitive skating.

“There’s still time before Four Continents, so I’ll return to Russia ahead of you, okay?” Victor had casually mentioned after one of their training sessions.

Yuuri hadn’t said a word, his anxiety creeping back up on him. He knew it was only going to be for a short while, just until the next competition. But the thought of he and Victor having to separate again was nothing short of painful. Needless to say, Yuuri was less than keen on that idea. He’d rather they return together, but of course, he knew that the circumstances didn’t allow it. Considering Victor’s age, time wasn’t on his side. His return to competitive skating had to be swift, and this was the best arrangement that had been worked out.

“I have to sort things out with Yakov,” Victor had smiled gently. “Didn’t you want me to return to the ice, Yuuri?” He had stroked Yuuri’s hair lovingly in an attempt to comfort him.

Well, he did. He had wished nothing more than for Victor to be back in the competitive world. He would be able to face Victor as a proper rival this time. But no matter how much he tried, he never felt at ease without Victor next to him before a competition. Nonetheless, Yuuri clearly understood the circumstances.

Yuuri had still been reluctant, but he nodded anyway.

 

Maybe he shouldn’t have had given Victor the go-ahead.

He should had been selfish for once.

 

 

 

Yuuri hides in his bedroom despite the worried persuasion from his sister and parents to come out of his room. His phone and laptop are switched off. The news reports are endless. Of course they would be – the world is mourning the loss of all the passengers in that tragic accident. And they are mourning the loss of the living legend, the Russian figure skater Victor Nikiforov. Everything is a mess and Yuuri can only imagine that it must be chaotic in Russia and in the Skating Federation.

It is worse in his head. He wonders how the rest – Chris, Phichit, Georgi, Yurio and the others – are reacting to this news. Who knows, Phichit may be trying to contact Yuuri at the very moment. But Yuuri can’t bring himself to speak to anyone else right now, and certainly not about what had just transpired.

Yuuri was supposed to catch a flight to Russia after Victor leaves Hasetsu, and meet up with him in St. Petersburg. Victor’s supposed to continue coaching Yuuri while preparing for his return to competitive skating. Victor had promised him.

There’s no way Victor just disappeared like that. He didn’t even tell Yuuri.

He didn’t even tell Yuuri.

 

 

 

That night, Yuuri spends the entire time going through all the memories he had with Victor, from the time Victor arrived in Hasetsu to begin coaching Yuuri.

It doesn’t help that Yuuri had been idolising this man for almost his entire life.

The skating world lost a gem and an athletic figure. But Yuuri lost his idol, his role model, his soulmate –

Yuuri tries desperately to ignore how his body is shaking uncontrollably and reaches up to touch his forehead with a quivering hand. He recalls the warmth of Victor’s arms wrapped around him tightly as they bade farewell to each other at the departure hall of Fukuoka airport. Victor had gently swept Yuuri’s hair away from his forehead and had planted a loving kiss there.

Yuuri can still feel the touch of Victor’s lips.

Yuuri still remembers.

When he’s around Victor, Yuuri feels nothing but love. But without Victor here, the space around him is just vacuum – void of anything at all. Empty.

 

Yuuri doesn’t sleep. He’s afraid to.

He worries that if he dozes off and falls into a deep trance, he might wake up with hazy recollections of his time with Victor. What if he starts to forget how Victor’s voice sounds like? Or how his touch feels like?

In all honesty, Yuuri already feels as if Victor’s warmth was beginning to slip away from him. While Victor was in Hasetsu, Yuuri would find excuses to snuggle up to the other skater at night. If Victor was in Russia, Yuuri would have waited patiently to reunite with him again.

But now he isn’t even allowed to do that… Is he?

The gold engagement band glints in the narrow stream of moonlight seeping into the room, and Yuuri kisses the ring as tenderly as he can, lips quivering as the impact of the devastating reality strikes him once again.

First Vicchan, now Victor. He keeps losing those who are important to him. Fate is truly cruel, Yuuri laughs bitterly to himself as he breaks down into uncontrollable sobs again in the empty, torturing silence of his room. His tears feel hot against his cold skin. Admist the overflowing tears and unbearable pain, Yuuri clutches his right hand to his chest.

His time with Victor had allowed him to experience so many kinds of emotions – frustration, courage, loneliness, passion, love – Victor had brought an array of colours to Yuuri’s initially mundane life. Despite how bleak it seemed at the start, all the years Yuuri had spent looking up to Victor were not a waste – Yuuri had finally reached Victor.

And the past year had been the happiest, most blissful time of his life. It was irreplaceable, and so was Victor.

By the time Yuuri slips into a deep slumber, overcome by fatigue, the colours had already drained away.

 

 

 

On some nights Yuuri awakes with a start, the nightmare in his head replaying over and over. Faced with the eerie silence of his room and with _no_ Victor by his side, the crying starts all over again.

This loneliness is unbearable for Yuuri – even with 7.5 billion people on Earth, even with all his friendly rivals and family around, without Victor, Yuuri feels as if he has been left completely alone. Victor was irreplaceable: he’s the only person Yuuri has ever wanted to hold on to. Victor’s the only person Yuuri wants to touch and wants to be touched by, the only person he wants to cuddle with, the only person he wants to share kisses with… He would never, ever find anyone else like Victor. Ever.

That Victor’s presence can barely be felt bore a hole in Yuuri’s heart; his body was akin to a mindless vessel bearing a lifeless soul.

Yuuri wonders where Victor is now, and how he can begin searching for him.

 

 

 

After three days of being cooped up in his room, Yuuri finally steps out of his room, greeted by the morning rays of the sun. He was going to assure his family that he was okay – well, not quite, but just to tell them that he was somehow _okay_.

After all, there was no way he could be alright after that. Right now, Yuuri just feels numb. The continuous crying had caused him to be overcome with fatigue, and the lack of food and water was taking a toll on him. Yuuri can’t think about anything. In fact, he doesn’t want to.

He has to stay this way for a while, Yuuri realises. Yes, skaters’ hearts are as fragile as glass. But Yuuri had always been especially sensitive, emotionally. A hazy mind will keep him from thinking about _that_. He has to stop thinking about _that_ , or else he will just start sobbing and losing control of all his emotions again.

As Yuuri makes his way to the living room he consciously averts his eyes from the entrance of the banquet-hall-turned-bedroom that Victor had stayed in. Nothing had been moved from in there – Victor had wanted to leave the furniture intact for his use when he was able to return to Hasetsu. Since that day, Hiroko and Mari hadn’t changed the sheets either. No one had gone in there. Even till now.

By keeping the room’s décor in its original state, it is as if everyone in Yutopia Katsuki simply intends to await his return. Await… Someone who will never return.

 

The hallway is silent, but Yuuri’s wandering mind occasionally interjects a warm memory of Victor’s lively chatter accompanied by bright laughter. It’s something Yuuri wishes to hear again so desperately.

But he can’t, not anymore.

 

 

 

At Ice Castle Hasetsu, Yuuri is at a loss at how to face Yuuko, Takeshi and the triplets. His eyes doesn’t meet theirs – he doesn’t know what sort of expression he should wear, and he doesn’t want to read the expressions on their faces.

As much as he tries to block them out, the muted mumbles of Yuuko’s concern rings at the back of his mind. As soon as he chokes out a “thank you for letting me use the place”, Yuuri swiftly changes into his training gear and immediately heads for the ice.

There were only two reasons as to why Yuuri was back at work at the rink again: firstly, this was the best method he could think of to distract himself – as long as he poured his effort and mental energy into skating, even if he would _still_ inadvertently be reminded of Victor thanks to the ice, Yuuri could at least try to temporarily forget about all his worries. Secondly, while Yuuri could care less about his figure skating career at this point of time, he knew Victor _would_ mind if he didn’t start preparing for the Four Continents. Without Victor here, medals meant nothing to Yuuri. He could say the same for the competitive scene – the loss of rivalry between Yuuri and Victor had severely depleted what was left of Yuuri’s motivation.

But Yuuri understands clearly that if Victor were still here, he would be disappointed if Yuuri didn’t continue his new life mission – to secure a gold medal at an international competition.

After much discussion, it was decided that Yuuri would be signing a new contract with Celestino once again. It goes without saying that Yuuri feels nothing but frustration at this – he and Victor had finally established a proper working relationship but all of a sudden he has to –

In that instant, images come flooding into Yuuri’s head. They were bad images, those of

The plane engulfed in hot, raging flames that threatened to erase every trace of life

The resulting debris that reflected devastation and hopelessness

The destruction involving not only the plane and its passengers but the hearts of their loved ones…

 

Victor. Victor was on that plane that crashed, Yuuri chokes back a sob. His head begins to fill with desperate thoughts of his rival, lover and coach, so much he doesn’t hear Yuuko shout across the rink.

His plan to distract himself, to remove those thoughts, was a complete failure.

In the instant he loses his balance Yuuri snaps back to reality and tries to break his fall, but it was too late. He crashes with a harsh thud on the ice, and his hands fly to the leg that had taken the biggest hit.

While the Nishigori family rushes to his aid, Yuuri’s heart-wrenching cries of helplessness echoes within Ice Castle Hasetsu. The leg hurts, but his heart feels worse.

He had lost Victor. And without Victor he can’t do anything – he can’t even take care of himself.


	2. Hello again

“I’m sorry to break this to you, but I’m afraid that for the time being, you will have to stay off the ice until you heal.”

An expressionless Yuuri accepts the bad news, resigning himself to having to miss out on Four Continents. That fall earlier had been awful – it resulted in a sprain that Yuuri will have to spend a significant amount of time on for recovery. Though considerably better than torn ligaments, any amount of time off the ice is time lost.

Yuuri is slated to receive rehabilitation to ensure that his sprain recovers well and correctly, and he is thankful he has his family and friends to count on. But clearly, this is far from a typical injury. It’s an injury caused by emotional hurt. Compared to his leg which will eventually heal up, the wound in his heart will no doubt leave a permanent scar. The loss Yuuri feels will last forever.

 

 

 

“Lift your left leg up,” the physiotherapist instructs. “Slowly.”

Yuuri obeys silently, trying his best to focus on the exercises so that he could recover as soon as possible and begin training for other upcoming competitions.

But his mind is running wild – Yuuri can’t help but recall the same images that had been shown on television. The text from the numerous news reports he had seen are being read out to him in his head, and Yuuri tries to calm himself down, to avoid spilling tears in an area that is _not_ his bedroom.

One thing after another. First he had Victor stolen away from him, now he gets this injury that puts his skating career on hold. Was it bad karma he’d accumulated in his past life, or does God simply hate him? It’s just so unfair that he has to have all these horrible things happening to him. So unfair… What has he done to deserve these?

 

Suddenly Yuuri reaches breaking point and crumbles under all the emotional stress.

 

No, Yuuri doesn’t want to skate anymore. How can he, when skating only reminds him of Victor, who he lost? How can he possibly go back to skating when it no longer brings him joy and freedom but pains him? No matter how hard Yuuri tries, he can’t find any good reason to continue skating anymore. Not for a career, and not for leisure. To him there is nothing more important than Victor, and if Victor’s not around, there’s no point in skating.

 

 

Wait.

Victor’s not here in Hasetsu? That means he’s got to be in Russia at the moment. But why isn’t Yuuri headed for St. Petersburg? He should be packing up and taking the next flight to meet Victor, not staying here for some physiotherapy that he doesn’t need. Yuuri silently implores the physiotherapist to hurry with the remaining exercises, and prays that he can get home quickly so that he can start packing.

Oh crap. No, he can’t do that.

Of course. What was he thinking? Yuuri’s a fool for believing that Victor’s plane actually failed to land safely. Those images and words haunting him are nothing but a figment of his own imagination – the frequency of such accidents had increased after all and Yuuri had just been exposed to too many of such reports. Come on now, it’s impossible it’d happen to Victor, right? Victor was a national, no, global treasure. He’s loved by the world, of course he’d be loved by God too. God will never allow such terrible things to befall such a wonderful person like _the_ Victor Nikiforov, Yuuri was sure.

Victor had told him to patiently wait for his return. Victor’s probably caught up with some work over in Russia and that’s why his flight has been delayed, right? That doesn’t matter, Yuuri will wait for Victor to come back to him in Hasetsu. Meanwhile, he will need his injury to heal up! And then when Victor’s back, they can skate together again.

_I can’t wait_ , Yuuri whispers. His eyelids flutter shut while he falls into a deep trance amidst frantic shouts asking if he was okay.

_Of course I’m okay. Victor’s coming back soon, and we’ll skate together again._

It’s strange.

It feels strange that despite being so sure Victor’s going to return, Yuuri’s heart is numb. But he ignores the gnawing, and silently wishes that he meets Victor in his dreams.

 

 

 

Yuuri wakes up to soft, warm morning rays seeping into his bedroom. He feels refreshed, and realises that it’s been a long time since he actually got any decent sleep.

Yuuri has been unusually chirpy since he woke up, Hiroko and Mari notice. In fact, he doesn’t seem to have realised that he had fainted after physiotherapy…

“Are you alright, Yuuri? How do you feel?” Hiroko asks.

“Hmm? I’m completely fine! I haven’t felt this energised for a long time,” Yuuri laughs, finishing up his katsudon.

“But what about that thing that happened to Vi-” Mari began, only to stop herself with a sigh.

She exchanges worried looks with Hiroko, both of them unsure of how to respond to Yuuri’s sudden change in behaviour. All the mourning had caused Yuuri to faint from fatigue, but now that he’s awake…

“I’m fine,” Yuuri breaks the silence. “Really.”

He gives his mother and sister a bright smile, one they haven’t seen in a while, and leaves the room to wash the dishes.

 

 

 

Yuuri can’t help but smile as he goes through the photos he had taken with Victor ever since they established a relationship as coach and student, and then lovers. Yuuri wonders if he had met Victor in his dreams, if he’s able to feel this spirited in the morning. Of course, he must have. Somehow, Yuuri could still feel Victor’s warmth, as if he had been here all this while.

Right. Victor’s warmth feels so real. He’s definitely still around. Unlike what those news reports are saying, Victor must still be alive… He’s waiting for the rescue team to find him! They’ll find for sure, Yuuri tells himself. And Victor will come back to Yuuri, knowing that Yuuri is still waiting for him patiently. Everything will be alright.

Oh right, if Victor’s going to come back soon, it means Yuuri has to train up as soon as possible. As soon as Victor is back they will have to prepare for the next competition. Since there’s no time to lose, Yuuri needs to condition himself and be in top shape by the time Victor gets back. Yuuri isn’t going to let Victor worry about him. And Victor will be so proud of Yuuri too, for getting through this difficult situation so bravely on his own. Victor will come back safely to a recovered Yuuri and praise him, right?

…Right?

 

 

 

As soon as his injuries begin recovering, Yuuri returns to training alone at Ice Castle Hasetsu as Yuuko watches over him, for fear of him injuring himself again. Yuuri works on simple exercises to gradually gain back his momentum, all the while holding on to thoughts of Victor.

Yuuri surprises himself with the amount of concentration he has during practice and realises that he’s only focusing this much because he wants to be his best when Victor returns. Of course. There’s no other reason. There couldn’t be.

After practice, Yuuri drops Celestino an email to cancel his contract with the coach, having decided that he is going to wait for Victor here in Hasetsu. Yuuri’s smile returns again, as he hangs on to the sliver of hope that Victor will be back for him.

Yuuri wants to hug Victor soon. It feels like a long time since he's touched Victor. The warmth is fading a little, and Yuuri doesn't want it to. He needs to hold on to it a little longer, just a little longer, because Victor is coming back for sure. Yuuri doesn’t know why Victor's taking a little longer than expected, but it's alright. Yuuri's patient. Especially when it comes to Victor.

 

 

 

“So, Yuuri, have you decided to return to skating?” Hiroko quips.

Yuuri nods enthusiastically.

“So when’s a good time for you to fly to Detroit? You should probably start packing soon,” Mari takes a puff from her cigarette.

“Oh, no. I’ve cancelled my contract with Celestino.”

Mari drops her cigarette, surprised. “What? Then who’s going to be your coach?”

Yuuri cocks his head to one side, amused by the question. “Why of course, Victor’s going to be my coach for the next season. He’ll be back soon, so I figured I’d just cancel the contract with Celestino. Why did I even sign the contract, I wonder?” Yuuri chuckles.

Mari blinks. “…Yuuri. You’re kidding, right? Haha…” She lets out a forced laugh while Hiroko watches the scene unfold, her eyebrows furrowing and a worried expression plastered over her entire face.

Yuuri simply smiles at them in slight confusion. “No…? Why would I?”

This time, Hiroko and Mari’s faces pale, realising that Yuuri was for real.

So Yuuri hadn’t gotten over the shock all this while. And now it has developed into a… Delusion. One that he could either fail to wake up from, or one that he could recover from, but _with repercussions_.

“Yuuri,” Hiroko whispers, “Victor’s not coming back.”

Her words were followed by what felt like a long duration of silence. What she spoke sank into Yuuri’s mind, and it sank real deep.

“…Why not?” Yuuri asks quietly. “He said I was his best student. Does he not want to coach me anymore? Why?” His lips quiver ever so slightly. “I… I thought he’s just being held up. I-”

Mari slams her fist onto the table. “STOP IT, YUURI. HE’S GONE. GONE.” She sobs, remembering the moment she saw the news being reported on the television. To Mari, Victor was easily a close friend – she’d known him for as long her little brother had been idolising the figure skating legend. If she already hurts this much, she can’t – and doesn’t want to – imagine the amount of hurt this reality is causing to Yuuri.

Hiroko reaches out to hold Yuuri, who once again is in real shock from the truth.

He had wanted to hold on to that little hope. It was his only encouragement. The only thing was keeping him going. The protective barriers he’d put around himself after failing to accept reality had shattered in that very moment. Victor was…

“…Gone? Really…?” Yuuri whispers. “But… But the body wasn’t found…”

Hiroko pats his head as she tears up from seeing her children hurting, especially Yuuri who was completely a wreck. “That plane crash was very serious, Yuuri. No one could have survived. Even if they can’t find their bodies…”

Yuuri hears Hiroko but wonders if he is really listening. The words sink into his mind, but in the next instant they seem to leave his memory. He feels helpless and stares off into the distance as Hiroko attempts to comfort him.

The tears… They keep flowing. But Yuuri just feels numb everywhere.

So everything that happened was real… That accident took Victor away. Victor no longer exists. Yuuri doesn't even have a purpose for living anymore. He lost Vicchan, which was bad enough. But then he lost Victor.

 

 

 

He tries to skate at Ice Castle Hasetsu, but he keeps flubbing all his jumps. At this point of time, he can't even call step sequences his specialty anymore. Skating was his life, even if he used to lack confidence in his skating style, he loved the sport. But now he couldn’t even do it without thinking of Victor all the time. The rink felt lonelier without Victor.

Victor wasn't there for Yuuri to run up to after his practices and he won’t be there to hug and praise Yuuri at the Kiss & Cry.

Yuuri feels like crying all over again, his desperation and sorrow choking him, suffocating him. He reaches into his pocket, fingertips brushing against the bottle. He had needed sleeping pills lately. His body wouldn’t rest on its own – Victor’s death weighed so heavily on his mind. His existence without Victor was painful. It held no meaning. No happiness. Victor was a missing puzzle piece in Yuuri’s life. A unique piece, the only one that would fit.

 

 

 

“Tomorrow’s an off-day,” Victor is all-smiles as he climbs into Yuuri’s bed naked (as usual), getting ready to sleep. “Let’s go on a date~!”

_A date…_ Yuuri’s cheeks begin heating up. He has spent months with Victor, but he can never get used to calling their outings ‘dates’. To him, it is simultaneously embarrassing yet a dream come true. That Yuuri, a dime-in-a-dozen skater, would end up being this close to the amazing Victor Nikiforov, the man he had practically worshipped for so many years. It is just unbelievable.

“Where do you want to go, Yuuri?” Victor winks, and playfully pinches Yuuri’s cute button nose.

“A-anywhere, as long as I am with you,” Yuuri stammers, and tightens the hug, while Victor lovingly caresses his hair and kisses the top of his head.

“Me too,” Victor whispers, “Anywhere is fine, as long as we’re together.”

_As long as we’re together…_

Yuuri awakes with a start, sitting up in bed alone, his breathing ragged. The air in the room feels chilly, and Yuuri tries to cling on to that warmth he had been enveloped by in the particular memory.

_My eyes are damp_ , Yuuri realises, and when he reaches back to touch his pillow, he discovers that it’s completely soaked.

 

 

 

Sometimes Yuuri hears Victor call his name, but when he spins around, hoping to greet his coach in the hallway with a loving hug, he sees no one. Only the sound of Yuuri’s name leaving Victor’s lips resonate in the empty space. Only Victor’s voice echoes in Yuuri’s head.

And Yuuri simply stares into space while his thoughts drift to Victor again.

 

 

 

Yuuri misses the feeling of Victor’s hand intertwined with him. He misses the way Victor rested his head on his shoulder when they took breaks during practice.

Yuuri worries he'll begin to forget Victor's touch soon. Especially since Victor is never coming back.

 

 

 

At night, Yuuri slides open the door to Victor’s makeshift bedroom. He inhales, expecting to catch a whiff of stale air, but is pleasantly surprised when he recognises the scent. It’s Victor’s. Yuuri steps into the room, the wooden flooring creaking slightly under the weight. Thoroughly exhausted both physically and emotionally, Yuuri climbs into Victor’s bed and breathes in deeply again as soon as his nose touches the pillows.

Sometimes they’d share Yuuri’s single bed, sometimes they’d share Victor’s. The two of them would drift off to sleep in each other’s arms, basking in overflowing love and warmth. Now, the bed felt cold and overly spacious.

 

He stares at the ceiling. It's tough. A life without Victor is tough. It's as if his happiness was taken all away. Sealed up and disposed somewhere out of reach. He misses Victor. He wants to touch him. But he can't. Where's Victor? Is he safe? Is he comfortable?

Does he… Does he also miss Yuuri?

Yuuri wants to see Victor. He wants to see Victor. He needs to. Victor's out of reach, but to Yuuri, that is not a problem. In fact, it is far from being one. Yuuri reaches into his pocket, feeling for that bottle.

 

Since Victor will meet him just like he used to, Yuuri just has to go to where Victor is. Right now. He needs to go to where Victor is —

 

No one. No one will ever be able to fully comprehend how much Yuuri loves Victor.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first angst work lol appreciate the comments! x


End file.
